Dear Loyal Reader:
Today, I bring sad news: the Cassini orbiter flies no more. NASA’s ninth most expensive endeavor ($3.9 Billion to date), the Cassini orbiter and the Huygens landing probe, met an ignominious end yesterday. After 294 orbits of Saturn (the farthest known planet when Cassini was launched in 1994) this noble space vehicle ended her mission through self-immolation when entering Saturn’s atmosphere. And what, you may ask, did Cassini discover?
NADA! Nothing of any scientific, economic or social value resulted from this huge expenditure of your taxpayer dollars. Four Billion Greenbacks later, we still know nothing more about Saturn than its name. To be fair, there are pretty pictures of its rings – if you care.
I’ve been taken to task by my lovely (though non-scientific) wife who criticizes my conclusion of nothing gained. Upon careful re-examination, I did find several findings that the program’s leader was able to claim.
- One of Saturn’s 62 moons, Enceladus, has an icy crust encasing an ocean of water with no indication of microbial life.
- The spaceship’s lunar-lander, Huygens, touched down on Titan, yet another moon, and found the surface to be comprised of an ocean of methane. That, because the temperature is -2950
- Most surprising was that the surface of Enceladus may be heated by geothermal geysers similar to those found at the ocean’s bottom here on earth.
- Nothing new about Saturn itself, however. She is still encircled by those enigmatic rings.
So there you have it: Four billion dollars later and still no possibility of alien life out there. Go figure. I did, however, find the names given to these stars, moons and planets to be extraordinary.
Scientists tag names onto previously unnamed stars, call them planets and pat themselves on the back. Since Cassini’s launch, at least three other, more distant planets have been `discovered’ and named: Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.
Though some eggheads might dispute this, a name is what distinguishes a planet from a star.
Imagine: some jokester at Jet Propulsion Labs calling a colleague. “Frank, we need a name for this new planet that Sally just discovered. Any suggestions?”
Frank, having just returned from an urgent trip to the men’s room, replied: “How about Asshole?”
“Naah, too funky. How about we compromise with Uranus?”
“My what?”
“Done!” And Uranus enters the scientific journals.
But, you might ask: If JPL names planets, who names stars?
NASA has outsourced the star naming business to a scheister named Rocky Mosel. For a mere $100, Rocky will name a star after you or your Aunt Betty, and register it in the `International Star Registry’. (Planets cost extra. Only NASA can afford them.)
Thankfully, Frank no longer works for JPL. He got a new job at General Motors – naming cars.
His last suggestion was the Saturn. It too, went down in flames.
A moment of silence please for the many, more valuable missions that will never fly – say. . . like fixing our education or health care systems.
You are welcome.
For more go to: http://www.jameshpyle.com

